Some speakers have magnetic personalities while others fail to keep the audience’s attention. This article lists the 10 turn offs in communication. It looks at interpersonal adeptness and interpersonal savvy.
WHEN was the last time you watched someone speak and just felt glued to the person? When the person has good rapport, what do people focus on unconsciously? Different strokes for different folks and what you hear or retain could be in line with what are certain qualities of a remarkable delivery you need more of and that immediately allowed you to connect.
Top 10 Turn offs
I have compiled the Top 10 turn offs in communication among the people I have encountered in training. Most are all too familiar to you and you might be responsible for exhibiting them.
- Whatever you know, they know it slightly better than you do and they make it obvious.
- It does not matter to listen but get the feeling that your inputs don’t matter.
- They need to hear you speak rather not hear from you as long as you show interest in them.
- They are unaware of their own jokes.
- They have zero awareness that they take up the entire airtime.
- They insist themselves high on morals and ideals of the world and yet can’t live up to their own ideals.
- You just know their stories are to impress.
- They want to be authentic but end up being even more artificial.
- They cut you off.
- They refuse to stretch their mouth a little to afford a smile.
Intrapersonal Adeptness
Notice Yourself
Your brain is a very active muscle and the mind has a thought each second. That is enough evidence to show us it’s easy to be distracted and difficult to stay focused on an instant moment. Make it a habit of catching yourself in the very act of judging and criticising yourself. What occurs in my mind occasionally when I don’t connect well with the other person is because I am not smart enough or don’t look good or I don’t make sense. These ideas not only aggravate the same difficulty often, but magnify it.
If you are certain that no one out there is perfect, that people are not comparable and each is designed with different gifts, then you should be all right. You can become your worst enemy and critic or conversely, a best friend and fan.
Make it a habit of focusing on five of your unique gifts and why these assets can be appealing to anyone. At least when you notice the next time your mind starts belittling yourself, you could make a quick switch to your gifts. The idea is to make it a habit of catching yourself in the act of negative self-chat and switching it on the spot.
Manage Your Emotional Switchboard
In managing your emotional switch, which is sometimes called “navigating emotions” or “self-direction”, we don’t allow emotions to get the better of us. So, if someone first greets you with an overpowering handshake, coupled with an impression that he’s above you, you have a choice about how to respond. Your immediate response sets the tone for the rest of the encounter.
You can either choose to think “Let me show her who is boss” or “how can I work at seeing another side of her?” The choice is yours. And the moment you decide, your feelings will be tilted towards the thought. However, it takes some deliberation and healthy inner dialogue to get moving in the right direction.
Your Facial Cues
Paul Ekman, an expert on emotional cues, has completed more than 30 years of research and concludes that humans have more than 10,000 facial expressions likely to be within the affable or irate range.
Smiling in Britain, we project familiar actions for different feelings such as depression, surprise, disgust, happiness, fear, excitement, and anger. The smile tells us how we feel.
We face which basically are micro-facial expressions which are only ⅕ of a second in length and are involuntary facial displays of emotion that even a practised liar cannot suppress. This means you have to be congruent in your emotions. That is to say, you can’t feel sad and want to be assertive or hide your emotion. A weak smile can show that your insides are not in congruence and you lose the connection.
So start watching yourself or get an honest friend to pick out when your expression is in accurate. Once you pick the signal to stop, notice, and ask yourself what the other person could be feeling, you begin to tune in to their channel.
Interpersonal Savvy
Optimistic and Upbeat
Just look within your circle of friends or around the office, and single out the ones whom you would prefer to hang around with or if you were stranded on an island for a few days. Who would you pick and why? While no one can deny that we like people who like us, people who make no pretense, exude warmth and humility, will positively are always appealing to those who seek peace and joy.
We gravitate towards those who smile, are nice to others, especially the less fortunate, one who is positive, friendly and humble because they give you a feeling of safety, comfort and peace. We have a natural inclination towards those who smile, are energetic, and project an aura of possibility and excitement around them. Why?
When someone communicates with optimism, they give a sense that the world is not all about what you usually see in the headlines of a newspaper or in the clues you read in Women’s Circle. They paint the reality of what is around us and help us work towards a safe future.
Man’s main act or nature is to seek affection. And if we look carefully at what it is that provides this warmth, it is inherent in the words and facial expressions. And this is why pessimism makes it difficult to see beyond the forest or even if lush greenery lies beyond.
So how do you become an optimist if you are not one to begin with? Emotional awareness is the first step to change. Catch yourself in the act and do the opposite of your present state. According to Jim Fannin who researched on the 90-second rule, he asserts that just by lifting your head up as you communicate, increases your energy level and hence state. Just doing this can move you from passive behaviour and enhance your attraction factor.
Self-effacing Humour
Research by Godfrey and Spurgeon shows that people who crack or playful or humourous tend to boost, initiate connection and build rapport faster.
I remember for a moment when I was preview for a programme I was keen to register. The facilitator, while obviously an expert in the field, had a habit which was nauseating. It was worst for him to present a serious topic and suddenly crack a joke which made him lose bits of story, part of the theme and I was left wondering what had happened to the script.
Contrast this with another person who got a pretty boring subject but told short stories, showed calmness and connected the message to the personal lives of participants and got everyone engaged.
It is not about telling a joke or making people laugh. It is about using the power of humility and a sense of openness to connect. If humour gets in the way of message, it might not be necessary at all.
So humour is not a strength but a tool. A tool that must be used wisely. So while it’s useful to be funny, it’s even more important to assess the relevance of the joke and the receiver’s level of understanding and receptiveness.
If you have a colleague who is always cracking jokes that don’t relate to the subject, then it’s time to evaluate the humour content. It can be overkill.
At the end of the day, communication is an expression of how we feel and direct it with words. If we are positive, energetic and filled with purpose, then this alone will carry our words and make them believable. Our sincerity and congruence in our words will bring the person in us to life.
Download full article here: Apr–May 2011 | Today’s Manager
